The big surprise about this Sex Happiness survey with its softball questions? Three times as many men responded as women (who told me they wanted these questions). Do I sound like a guy when I moan: What do women really want?
Go to "The Sex Happiness Survey, part one" for the demographics and major themes. The women who did respond are, for the most part, happy with their sex lives. Interestingly, 80% of the total respondents who mentioned extramarital affairs were women. Is that another answer to the question, "Do women cheat more than men?"
In general, women's replies were longer and more detailed than men's. They volunteered more information--and were more often humorous. One busy young mother of twins said, "Happy with my sex life? Yes, whenever I get the chance to re-visit it, I am happy." A 52 year old woman said, "I am just happy to get sex, whenever I can crush a Viagra into my husband's pudding."
On the other hand, at least four of the women sounded false to me. It's hard to believe that everything is passionate, perfect and multiply orgasmic on a sex daily basis for women who've been with their guys long enough to have fallen down from height of the Desire Curve. (Read about that in The Sex Bible for Women.) I think one woman punked me, but I won't call her out here, in case her particular tale of marriage and incest is true.
Here are the highlights:
THE WOMEN'S QUESTIONS
1. How often do you have sex, including masturbation?
Like the men, the women (no matter their ages) have more sex than "the average". Most respondents reported 3 or more times a week, with 25% saying "daily and sometimes twice a day."
A 34 year old divorced white woman: "I'm so glad you define masturbation as 'sex.' A lot of the younger women in my office only count intercourse as 'sex.' Even oral sex doesn't make the cut. I know. Blame Bill C. on that one."
"Not gonna' touch myself there when I have a man to do that for me": a 24 year old married black woman.
"I am more often the partner wanting sex now while he is the one saying, 'Not tonight, dear, I'm tired.' I masturbate. But what's up with him?": A 39 year old white married woman.
2. How much do you enjoy performing fellatio--and do you swallow?
Most are enthusiastic about fellatio--with nearly half saying they do swallow.
A 37 year old married white woman: "I love fellatio! I've loved it since the first time I held a dick in my hand under the bleachers in high school."
"I swallow if I'm really into the guy, if it's a relationship, not just a hook-up." a 26 year old single "white girl."
A 30 year old single woman from Trinidad: "Swallowing is like anal sex, a special treat for a special man. If I love the man, I love the taste of his cum."
"I love the feeling of erotic power that I have when i give a man a great blow job. I don't feel submissive at all. And BJs are safer than intercourse": a single black woman, 29.
3. How often do you reach orgasm during lovemaking?
Almost half said they do every time--which is a high percentage, almost twice "average". 25% said they usually have multiple orgasms. The women who described their sex lives in terms such as "okay" or "adequate" or "not exactly happy" also reported more difficulty reaching orgasm during lovemaking. There is a connection between orgasms and sex happiness. It's really not all about the closeness.
A 36 year old white married woman: "I reach orgasm 3/4 of the time. Sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes he comes too quickly and I don't have time. It's rare that he offers to take care of me after that. That's not true. It's not rare. It's never actually happened. But then, I don't ask him either. If he can't figure out that it might be nice for me to come too, I'd just rather he not touch me. It's infantile, but there it is."
"In my first marriage, I faked orgasms and almost never had a real one. I was so good at faking that he thought the real ones were 'little ones'. I started out right with my second husband. I told him I don't come during sex and he bought a vibrator to use on me. It worked!": a 40 year old European white woman.
A 28 year old single black woman: "If I have masturbated during the day, I don't care if I come or not. But I am really disappointed if I want the O and he doesn't help me get it. I hate that almost feeling."
4. Is cunnilingus your primary path to orgasm in partner sex?
Yes, for more than 70% of the women, it is. Men have learned that cunnilingus is the surest path to female orgasm--and that "She Comes First" (Ian Kerner's book.) Obviously, many of them are pretty good at performing oral sex The proof is in the coming.
"I only come via oral sex or masturbation. Intercourse does not get me there. I love the feeling of being penetrated and wish I could have it all together": A 30 year old single woman from St. Thomas.
"Some boys are better at it than others, but I have learned how to take his face in my hands and guide him. Sometimes I have to ask for the tip of the tongue, not the full, fat tongue. But all I have to do is ask. Boys are eager to please.": A 29 year old single white woman.
"Not with my husband--we're still working on that. But with my lover, hell yes! He loves my pussy so much that he gets harder when he has his face in it. Our oral sex is epic": A 35 year old married white woman.
"Yes, it is--and thank the goddess that, contrary to their reputation, black men do go down": A 39 year old single black woman.
5. How often does your partner give you what you want and need?
Most said: "Most of the time." I am a little suspicious of those four women who claim: All the time! Really? How is that humanly possible? These men have never had an off day or night?
"If I don't get what I want, it's because I don't ask": a 40 year old white married woman.
"I don't know how to ask. Black women are all in your face in public, but in bed with our man--no. If I did, I'm sure I would get what I want more often than I do by dropping hints": a 23 year old black woman.
"It took me a while to figure out that most men want to please us while a few don't much care. You have to find out early on and then you'll get what you want. I do now": a 41 year old European white woman.
6. Do you experience multiple orgasms--if so, how often and when?
40% said they do experience multiples, at least occasionally. Again, that's a higher than "average" percentage. (Four women said they have multiple orgasms every time they have sexual contact.) The most likely scenario: cunnilingus resulting in one or more orgasms, followed by intercourse, including clitoral stimulation.
"With my lover, every time. He's amazing with his fingers and tongue and can keep me coming for over an hour. With my husband, sometimes": a 32 year old married white woman.
"I have multiple orgasms when we have a long time to make love--or on a one night stand on a business trip": a 39 year old married white woman.
"I experience them more and more often with every year. When I was 20, I struggled to come": a single black woman, 38.
7. Are you confident in your erotic skills and happy in your sex life?
75% said Yes. The 25% who equivocated or qualified their happiness also reported difficulties with orgasm--and/or disparate levels of desire. They have husbands who don't want as much sex as they do. When a woman is not sex happy, she knows exactly why.
"Sex is just not ever in your life what you think it will be, but that's especially true after you've been married twenty years. I'm always reading about the aging Boomers and their hot sex lives. I'm not quite a Boomer and my sex life is cold, cold, cold. I want romance and passion. I get 'Shall we do the dirty tonight?'" A 42 year old married black woman.
"The best advice I ever got: Not sexually satisfied? Do Kegels and tone up your vagina--oh, and buy a vibrator:" A 33 year old single white woman.
"I am happy with my sex life now. My husband doesn't meet my needs so I took a lover" a 38 year old married European white woman.
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