“I ask a woman to tell me her fantasies and then I write an erotic story for her,” says M.
I’ve had several conversations at my bar, Maxie’s Grill with M, a 50 year old dominant male in the DS subculture. He looks like any other aging gracefully, still trim and attractive married man chatting up women in the neighborhood bar before going home at night. Many pretty young women hang out at Maxie’s; and while most of them are looking at the pretty young men, some like older guys. Submissive women especially find older men appealing.
Interestingly, M has been married twenty years and his wife doesn’t know about the string of young female submissives. (“Cheating is taking something away from you wife; I don’t cheat.”) They go to occasional swing parties to liven up their sex lives. She tells people that, as a young man in his twenties, her husband “experimented” with dominance and submission, DS—and she thinks that “makes me sound like a man with a past, more appealing,” he laughs.
M explains the difference (as he sees it) between the DS and BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism) communities this way (which I am sure will annoy BDSM players): “The submissive is a person. To get her respect, the dominant male has to respect her. In BDSM, she’s a piece of furniture.”
Another time, I will tell you about some of his antics—including the bicycle chains story which had the rapt attention of some eavesdroppers at the bar—but, for today, I asked him to give my straight/vanilla/”normal”/whatever you want to call them male readers three sex tips that work on any woman, including a babe like me who will put a stiletto to the groin of any man approaching with bicycle chains.
Here they are:
THE PRIVATE FANTASY
“Ask her to tell you her fantasies. She probably doesn’t want to act them out as described. You have to pay close attention to her—to who she is, not just what she’s saying. Either write down or tell her an erotic fairy tale based on the theme of her fantasy and personalized to her.”
An example: She fantasizes being raped. The fairy tale version of that: She is swept off her feet and onto a rose petal strewn bed by a powerful romantic stranger who satisfies her every desire. Add the specifics. If she has beautiful legs or breasts or a long swan neck—whatever she has—focus erotic attention on that.
Why it works: Having a man pay attention to what a woman says is flattering and very sexy. Too many men consider a conversation that verbal event where they talk about themselves while she listens.
THE LONG TEASE
“Men have watched too much porn; and they think that sex is hard driving to the finish. As soon as she’s aroused, they move out of the foreplay stage and into driver mode. Women love to be teased sexually. You can bring a woman to a strong orgasm or a series of multiples by teasing. Play with her, both orally and manually. When she is very aroused, pull back. Dial the stimulation down. Bring her up, let her back down—over and over again until she’s begging for release. Don’t let her come until she does beg.”
For example, stop cunnilingus before orgasm. Hold her and stroke her breasts or thighs until her arousal subsides. Back to the cunnilingus. Stop again. Stroke her, this time moving from non-genital caresses to her labia and finally playing with her clit. Stop again. Repeat oral and manual teasing as desired.
Why it works: M is exactly right. The slow build creates enormous erotic tension leading to explosive release.
THE FORBIDDEN LICK
“Men want anal intercourse. Many women don’t want that, but they secretly desire another kind of attention to their asshole. They want to be licked. Lick her asshole, rim it with your tongue and then your finger. ‘Fuck’ it with just the tip of your tongue followed by the tip of your finger.”
Caveat: If her asshole isn’t “lickable” clean, she’ll be embarrassed—and you likely won’t be so happy either. Shower or bathe together first. Suds up her bottom and gently use a washcloth covered finger around and slightly into her anus.
Why it works: The anus is rich in nerve endings. Playing there does seem naughty or even “taboo”—and that ratchets up arousal. And it’s just thrilling for a woman to be with a man who isn’t trying to ram the head of his penis up her rectum before he even knows her full name.
Let’s conclude with a passage from Jeff in Venice, Death in Varanasi (Pantheon) by Geof Dyer—my favorite novel of the week:
“What was it about women’s assholes? Where did it come from, this irresistible desire to stick fingers, cock and tongue up there? Shit was horrible, revolting stuff, but women’s assholes…the only thing in life contemporary man loves more than eating pussy is licking ass.”
copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime