Photo Credit: "Sexy Legs" by Stacey
I often see patterns in the questions readers pose. Some people can't seem to get what they want/need, even if they engage in risky behavior to make it happen. Others have their sexual wish list offered to them, are afraid to accept the gift and ask--"Is this too good to be true?" And, believe it or not, there are some women who want to get his face out of their pussy--without hurting his feelings, of course.
Q. "I am a good-looking bartender/struggling actor in Manhattan. Women get giggly and flirt with me all the time. Last week a beautiful woman came straight to the point. She asked if I had a girlfriend. When I said No, she said, 'I'd like to see you for sex two or three times a month at my convenience. No dinners, no movie dates, no holding hands. Just sex. When it's over, you go home.' I was stunned. We chatted a little bit and I learned that she is 34, just moved to the city from Toronto and has a high-powered corporate job. She left her business card with cell number on the back. Is she for real? I've never met a woman who was that straightforward about sex. Will she end up wanting a relationship like other girls?" --James, 28.
A. It's refreshing to hear a bar story that doesn't end in a drunken hook-up where he came, she didn't. Canadians are sexually more frank and open than Americans. Successful Toronto business women don't "get giggly" and drop innuendos when they want to get laid. I admire that candor. Increasingly, American women are taking the direct (and sober) approach in getting their needs met too. (Read some of the Sex, Money and Lies Conversations between me and Alex Zola on the new Alpha women.)
Will she end up wanting a relationship like other girls? She ia not a "girl." While no one can make predictions in matters of the heart and pussy--she doesn't sound like a woman who can't separate sex and love. Maybe you will be the one begging for a sleep-over or a movie date. You might be so good that she wants the sex four, five or six times a month. Call her. I want to hear how this turns out.
Q. "I masturbate lying on my stomach and I bury my face in the pillow when I get close to orgasm. That feeling of suffocation makes my orgasm more intense. I asked my boyfriend to choke me to simulate the pillow effect. He was not rough enough, then too rough--and, in frustration, suggested we buy me a slave collar which will choke me more effectively. I've seen them in porn films. What do you think?" --Amelie.
A. As I wrote in a post following the death by erotic asphyxiation of actor David Carradine: You don't need the choke hold!
First, that sounds like a rather punitive--not to mention limiting-- masturbation position. Try something new: Lie on your back, open your legs and play with a vibrator. Using a vibe will make your orgasm more intense without the suffocation.
Second, learn some simple breathing tricks to spike your orgasm, alone or with your guy. Suspended Breath and Extended Exhalation, the techniques in the above post, are easy to master. They come from my book The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy--where you will find more ways of using your breath to increase arousal and intensify orgasm. This is not your Mama's Tantra.
Q. "Do you remember me--a former assistant editor who asked you a cunnilingus question at a book party? I was engaged to a man who wouldn't go down. I asked you if he had been traumatized by a bad experience with another woman--and you laughed. I said I was okay without cunnilingus; and you said, I wouldn't be okay forever. Five years later, I was so not okay that I divorced him. Now I'm with a guy who would rather eat my pussy than fuck. I want both. WHAT DO I DO NOW?" --Madeleine, 30 and still asking.
A. Yes, I remember you! I apologize for laughing. I remember thinking about Phillip Roth's Portnoy and the smell of tuna fish. (Portnoy's Complaint--the ultimate masturbation novel.) And, yes, I knew you wouldn't be "okay" forever.
I've heard from several women lately who have the same problem you do. I named him Pussy Man in a recent post on beta men in bed. He may be over-compensating for a premature ejaculation tendency or a small penis--or he may be too well indoctrinated in feminist sexual theory.
You (and he) are entitled to enjoy the delights of oral sex and intercourse. Have you tried taking his face in your hands and lifting it up as you pull your genitals away while whispering, "Fuck me now?" If that fails, try the even more direct approach: Tell him that you love receiving cunnilingus--and nobody does it better than he does!--but you crave the feeling of penetration after an oral orgasm or two.
Keep me posted. I will come up with a solution for you.
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