Alex Zola and I are sitting at Maxie's Grill (19th Street between Park Avenue and Irving) drinking wine and talking about the lies that men and women tell.
Alex has great stories about male money braggarts (including him). I don't think he realizes that women are lying about money now too; and I'm not going to tell him. He might date a girl who is trying to impress him with her imaginary trust fund or exaggerated salary and bonus package; I won't blow her cover and wise him up.
So we talk about sex lies.
“Men lie more about sex than women do,” Alex says.
“Oh, really? Why do you say that?”
“Men lie about how many women they’ve had; they lie to other guys. They lie to girls too. Where sex is concerned, everybody lies to everybody.”
“Ha! Women lie about their numbers to men. They tell the truth to other women. Did you never watch 'Sex and the City', Alex?"
"Of course I did, but it was television. Men lie about having sex with specific women. They claim they've slept with certain women that they never have."
"Omigod, I can relate to that. We were just talking about it last week when I told you that so many musicians and regulars at St. Nicks Pub were claiming they'd slept with me after I was mugged there. Why do men do this?"
"It's a learned behavior from high school," he says; and I groan. Men never get out of high school.
He asks me: "What are the big sex lies women tell?"
"Oh, that's easy. I came. It was wonderful. You're so big. Nobody else ever found my G spot."
"What percentage of women really do lie about orgasm?" he asks; and he doesn't seem particularly concerned about the answer.
"What is your guess?" I ask him.
"Thirty percent," he says; and I giggle. I cannot stop giggling. "Fifty percent?" he asks. Raucous laughter. "I don't know. That's why I'm asking you!"
"Studies vary, but it's like 75%, 80%, 85% or more, depending on how the question is phrased. If the question is: Have you ever faked orgasm? The answer is: Almost 100%. If the question is: Do you fake orgasm? It's down to 75% or so. That's across the board, young women, older women, married women, single women. Recently Women's Health magazine (read by women under 40) reported that 80% of their readers said they faked orgasm.
Women fake orgasm! (And usually they say they do it to end the sex.) Get over it, men.
"So, Alex, how many women do you think have faked orgasm with you?"
"Realistically? All of them."
I am laughing. He's joking, right? No man thinks his lovers fake. Could Alex be that one wise man?
"I saw 'When Harry Met Sally' more than once. Most men lie that every woman comes with them. I know better."
Men lie about nailing someone they never nailed; women lie about having an O they never had. What else are men and women lying about in bed?
"Men lie about sex acts, specifically they say they've had anal sex and threesomes," he says.
Ah, the very acts women deny. Both men and women lie about how hot their sex lives are. The myth of Hot Monogamy was dependent on married people saying they had great hot sex all the time.
"As a bartender, I have a lot of stories about sex lies, mostly cheating spouses."
Yes, almost everybody lies about cheating. The alternative is sexual honesty through swinging or polyamory--just too politically correct in liberal circles, too white bread and suburban. Boring. People lie about their fantasies, especially women who don't understand that a rape or SM fantasy is not a wish or desire. It just means she wants to be overcome by passion. Men lie about Internet porn use.
"Yeah, men lie about Internet porn use. When they get caught by their wives, they pull a David Ducovney and say, 'Baby, I'm a sex addict; I'll get help."
In that same Women's Health survey, one in five men watch porn daily. Jay Leno jokes on "The Tonight Show": "The other four watch it hourly."
Maybe the question really is: Does anybody tell the truth about sex? Who can we trust?
"Can we really trust Kinsey?" Alex asks.
Yes, Kinsey's sex interviews and Masters and Johnson's early lab research are trustworthy. It's the men and women we know that we can't trust.
"What kind of sex lies have you told women?" I ask him.
He hesitates and finally says, "I"m trying to think. There's so many."
"Can you narrow it down to one or two?"
"i've never tried that. Or, no, I don't have interest in that--Why, do you? And: No, I've never spanked anyone before."
Oh, well. I take a swallow of wine. Does Alex realize that lie isn't going to work anymore?
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