Photo credit: Sexstacey by Stacey Li
In this week's "Flavor of the Week" sex column in The New York Press, Todd Farley "stops being nice and starts getting laid."
Yes, he was one of those guys who asked permission before he touched a breast. Is "nice" really the word for that? How about "yech"?
After a long dry spell, Todd responded to what he considered "the Craigslist freaks--women who needed a man to dominate them." He hooked up with Angelica who wanted "a sweet, funny, affectionate, silly and loyal guy" who would also "dominate" her behind closed doors. Specifically, she wanted to be held down and spanked and have her hair pulled.
While he never considered himself "dominate," the desperately horny Todd realized "I could spank, I could hold, I could pull."
So he called her. More about that later.
"What is it with S/M?", the question her guy pal asked of her.
"Since I got divorced, every woman I've dated has wanted me to tie her up or spank her. Is it something about me or is this what women want these days?" My friend Bill is a cultivated, mild-mannered blazer and khaki pants kind of guy in his late 40s, and his girlfriends tend to be 30-ish bankers or lawyers as buttoned-down and Upper East Side-looking as he is. I understood Bill's confusion, but I tried to explain.
"Almost any woman Bill would date in New York would be up for some highly stylized submission. These women are tired of androgyny, sick of men who treat them like pals. And they want to feel the boot occasionally. The wish to be dominated doesn't extend to important stuff, however, like choosing restaurants and movies. As my friend John says, American women want to be 'forced' to do the things they already want to do. It's sexy to be tied up and kissed, but boring to be dragged along for an afternoon of auto parts shopping."
Yes, exactly, Babes. Men--well, especially white men--have been socialized to treat us as carefully in private as they are expected to do in the workplace. No sexual harassment at the office or at home. Truth is: Many, if not most, of us do like a man to be at least somewhat dominant sexually. Respect me in the world, darlin', but push me against the wall and take me hard and fast when we're alone. (And be smart enough to realize that I also like it long and soft and sweet sometimes too.)
As I've written before--and been castigated for writing it--African American men are more comfortable with their sexuality. They have not internalized as many of the male/sex negative messages as white guys have. I have a running joke with an African American guy pal who teases me that there is no "white culture." I have offered to make him a fluffernutter sandwich on white bread while wearing my heels and pearls, but he just isn't ready for white culture yet. All joking aside, white culture in this country is rooted in Puritanism; and I am not the first to remark upon the sexual constraints of Puritan culture.
There is nothing sexier than having a man tell me to drop to my knees and suck his cock. (Of course, I have to be into that man. Otherwise, he risks a stiletto in the shins.) Black men are better at reading the sexual situation than white men are--and, in my experience, more capable of pulling off this hot move because they are in tune with their own sexuality and ours.
Sometimes I like a few slaps on my ass too. What's up with that?
Ann Marlow explains it beautifully:
"In the absence of most other symbols of femininity and masculinity, and the disappearance of most of the rituals of courtship, S/M reintroduces the powerfully erotic idea of gender difference. And of course it's the most successful women who are into it. It's the successful men who hire dominatrixes, too. But if women are now able to embrace symbolic submissiveness, it's because they are starting to have a choice, and because they're nostalgic -- not for a submissive role, but for a world with any roles and rules at all."
Viva la gender difference!
Yes, with social progress comes some disappointment and disillusionment. We don't want to go back; in fact, we want more progress. (Women's pay is still only 78% of men's; and women are still more harshly judged for "promiscuous" behavior than men are.) But alone in an intimate setting, we want a man to be a man. Most of all, we want to exercise our right to choice--playing shifting roles in our sex lives.
Todd Farley figured that out, with a little help from Angelica.
Here is the conclusion to his essay (and Todd, SexyPrime loves you!):
"I share this tale not to brag--not to let people know I'm the sort of dude who often has a hot chick bound up and gagged in the bedroom closet--but simply to remind the kind of smug and arrogant guy I once was that just because a woman likes to have a riding crop taken to her pussy, that doesn't make her a freak. All it makes her is someone not afraid of her own desires, a lesson I'd have been well served to learn a couple decades ago."